4 Things Unhappy Couples Do

Have you ever gotten into an argument with your partner, and five minutes later, you're walking out the door and acting like nothing ever happened?

Do you and your partner fight constantly, but in front of others, no one has any idea because you act so in love in public?

Or, on the other side of the spectrum, is it clear for all to see that you and your partner are unhappy, but deep down you know that the love is still there?

Every relationship or marriage goes through phases, and some are more pleasant than others. It's okay if you notice some habit, routine, or role is no longer serving you and your partner and you want to shift some things around. However, there are some things that couples just start to do that I don't think serves the relationship at all.

Expectations change, but they don't talk about it.

Often, in the beginning of a relationship, especially if you've done premarital counseilng, you feel like you and your partner are on the same page. You've openly discussed your goals, visions, and expectations of the future and of each other. But time has a way of changing our desires for the future, or our expectations of ourselves and/or our partner. And that is normal and totally okay. What's not okay, is not talking and discussing these changes with your partner. If you've noticed a shift in expectation, but haven't discussed it with your partner, it's probably a good idea to start.

Quality Time is no longer intentional.

You've heard about it, and changes are you've experienced it yourself. As soon as the wedding band is on, the intentionality disipates. It's a popular challenge to married couples, to continue to date your spouse. But why is that such popular advice and why is dating your spouse important?

If you think about it, what drew you and your partner to each other in the beginning was probably love, lust, and curiosity, but also excitement. You loved intentionally spending time getting to know the other person, getting a date night outfit picked out, planning a fun way to spend time with something, and taking an active interest in someone besides yourself. When we get married, sometimes our lives can start to feel chaotic, overwhelming, or like there's too much on our plate to worry about getting to know our partners. But that's where the excitement is, and relationships need excitement. Something to look forward to. Even more, we start to fall into patterns as a couple and end up scrolling on our phones on the couch instead of planning a movie-at-home date night where phones are put down and tucked away.

So, to intentionally bring back some quality time, start by just planning something simple with your spouse. Or, better yet, talk to your spouse about how you've noticed the quality time no longer feels intentional. Chances are, your partner feels it, too.

Feeling like your in-laws are chosen over you.

Clear boundaries are neede for healthy couples to thrive. If it feels like you or your spouse are still choosing parent's over partner, chances are there's the feeling of resentment blossoming in your relationship.

They don't prioritize the relationship.

"I don't need to talk to her after the work day. I already know what she's going to say."

"Sure we haven't had much time together recently, but we live together. I see him every morning and every night."

"Why would I need to make her feel special and loved? I married her. She should already know."

We cringe when we hear these statements, but they're all too common in couples therapy. And that's for a reason. Curiosity about your partner, prioritizing the relationship, these are the ingredients for a healthy, long-lasting partnership. If your partner feels like video games, your friends, your work, or your workout routine takes precedence over the relationship, chances are, they're right.

In healthy relationships, each person's emotions are taken into consideration. Yes, alone time is healthy, but if your partner is communicating a desire to feel prioritized, please take it seriously and listen to what they're feeling and why.

Do any of these unhealthy couples behaviors sound like your relationship? It's not too late to do a reset and practice healthy behaviors.

Samantha Earley, MS, LPC