Attachment Style Myths: Fact or Fiction

Attachment theory is a useful tool to help you understand your dating patterns and how you attach to others as well as yourself. The theory has been popular for a while, but has gained traction online with social media. As I have clients starting to date and wanting to learn more about how their attachment style plays into dating, I thought it would be a good idea to bust some common myths.

Common Myths About Attachment Styles

1. Attachment Styles Are Fixed

One of the most prevalent myths is that attachment styles are unchangeable throughout a person's life. While early experiences can shape attachment, individuals can develop and modify their attachment styles through relationships and therapy.

2. Only Children Have Attachment Styles

Another misconception is that attachment styles only apply to children. In reality, attachment styles influence adult relationships as well, affecting how individuals connect with romantic partners, friends, family members, or even themselves.

3. There Are Only Two Attachment Styles

Many people believe there are only secure and insecure attachment styles. However, there are multiple categories of insecure attachment, including anxious, avoidant, and fearful avoidant, each with distinct characteristics.

4. Secure Attachment Is the Only Healthy Style

Some think that only secure attachment is healthy. While secure attachment is associated with positive relationship outcomes, individuals with insecure styles can also form fulfilling relationships, especially when they work on their attachment issues.

5. Attachment Styles Are Solely Determined by Parenting

While parenting plays a significant role in the development of attachment styles, other factors such as genetics, personal experiences, and environmental influences also contribute.

6. People with Anxious Attachment Are Always Clingy

A common stereotype is that individuals with anxious attachment are overly clingy. While they may seek reassurance, their behavior can vary widely based on the relationship dynamics and individual circumstances.

7. Avoidant Individuals Don’t Want Relationships

It is often assumed that avoidantly attached individuals are uninterested in relationships. In reality, many desire connection but struggle with intimacy due to fear of vulnerability.

8. Attachment Styles Are Only Relevant in Romantic Relationships

Attachment styles impact various types of relationships, including friendships, familial connections, and professional interactions, not just romantic ones.

9. Knowing Your Attachment Style Is Enough for Change

Simply identifying one’s attachment style does not guarantee improvement in relationships. Active work, such as therapy and self-reflection, is often necessary to foster healthier attachment behaviors.

10. Attachment Styles Are Universal

While attachment theory has been widely studied, cultural differences can influence how attachment styles manifest and are understood, leading to variations across different societies.

Though these are some common myths, I also find it important to carefully distinguish between Anxious, Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant. More often than not, when a client researches attachment styles online or through reading, they come to me thinking they have fearful-avoidant attachment style, which is the least common attachment style and usually a result of trauma early on, like going through the foster care system.

Distinguishing Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Let's compare the two attachment styles so you can start to see the difference. Anxious, Avoidant, and Fearful Avoidant are all insecure attachment styles, meaning they all feel a sense of anxiety in relationships, but how they are expressed looks different. The patterns within the individual are different. A person with avoidant attachment still feels anxiety, just like an anxious avoidant style, but the core is different.

Avoidant Attachment Style

• Definition: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and self-sufficiency. They often avoid emotional closeness and may have difficulty trusting others.

  
  

• Characteristics:

  • Difficulty expressing emotions and needs.

  • Tendency to distance themselves from partners.

  • Preference for solitude over intimacy.

  • Often dismissive of relationships and may view them as unimportant.

    
    

• Behavior in Relationships: They may appear aloof or detached, often prioritizing personal space and autonomy over emotional connection.

  
  

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

• Definition: Individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style experience a mix of anxiety and avoidance. They desire closeness but fear rejection and emotional pain, leading to conflicted behaviors.

  
  

• Characteristics:

  • High levels of anxiety regarding relationships.

  • Fear of intimacy and vulnerability.

  • Tendency to push others away while simultaneously longing for connection.

  • Struggle with trust and often have negative self-perceptions.

    
    

• Behavior in Relationships: They may oscillate between seeking closeness and withdrawing, often leading to unstable and tumultuous relationships.

  
  

Key Differences

• Emotional Response: Avoidant individuals are more likely to suppress their emotions, while fearful avoidants experience heightened anxiety about relationships.

• Desire for Closeness: Fearful avoidants have a desire for intimacy but are hindered by their fears, whereas avoidants typically prefer to maintain distance.

• Trust Issues: Fearful avoidants often have deep-seated trust issues stemming from past traumas, while avoidants may simply dismiss the need for trust as unimportant.

Can you see the subtle differences? Fearful-avoidant desires closeness, knows that they do, but has conflicting patterns -- a pursuit of closeness, followed by running away. Avoidant attachment may notice a desire to closeness, but quickly dismisses it and does not pursue for fear of vulnerability.

What other attachment questions do you have? Leave a comment and we'll be sure to do more blog posts about attachment theory. It's a great tool, but remember, it's just a tool!

You Got This!

Samantha Early, MS, LPC

Thorn & Rose Counseling