You’ve graduated high school, finally, but what are you graduating to? You’ve heard your parents or guardian figures in your life insist that your 20’s matter, but why? Up until this point, life has had its own unique challenges, and you’ve made it to your high school graduation.
Don’t you deserve a break? Heck, maybe it’s after your college graduation (congrats, by the way). Don’t you deserve a break, now? Or maybe… maybe, you have a Master’s degree. A Master’s degree! Can you take a break and enjoy it for a while?
What happens if “a while” turns into years?
The truth is… you are what you practice. If you’re waiting till your 30’s to start taking your career seriously, or your life, you’re going to miss creating the life you want. We don’t just wake up in our 30’s with everything we thought we’d have by then—a family, a fulfilling career, a nice car. These things happen and are built up over time. And what are we doing with our time in our 20’s to build that life? Well, that is the question, isn’t it.
This blog post is in reference to a wonderful book, titled The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—and how to make the most of them now, by Dr. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist in Virginia.
In her book, Dr. Meg Jay details the different sections of a 20-something’s life: work, love, and the brain and body. Each section offers encouragement to 20-something’s to start getting after the life they always wanted for themselves. If we look to culture, the rhetoric is that 30 is the new 20, and being in your 20’s is almost a throw-away decade. But in reality, the truth is quite the opposite. If we use the 10 year decade of our 20’s in a thoughtful way, we CAN achieve the life we want, a better life than we’re living now. But we have to get going.
I recommend this book to all of my 20-something’s, and I encourage you to read it as well.
If you’re in your 20s and feel like everyone else has life figured out except you, you’re not alone.
Maybe you graduated college and still don’t know what you want to do. Maybe you have a job but aren’t sure it’s the right career. Maybe your friends are getting engaged, buying houses, or having babies while you’re wondering whether you’re even in the right relationship. Maybe you’re constantly thinking: Am I behind? Should I have figured this out by now? What if I’m wasting my 20s?
Originally published in 2012 and later revised for a new generation, The Defining Decade challenges the idea that your 20s are simply a period of time to “figure things out” before your real adult life begins. The updated edition incorporates research and discussion around work, relationships, the brain, friendship, technology, and fertility.
And as a therapist who works with millennials and Gen Z, I think there is a lot worth talking about.
Your 20s Aren’t a Waiting Room for Adulthood
One of the biggest cultural messages young adults receive is: “You have plenty of time.”
And technically, you do. But sometimes that message can become: “None of your choices matter yet.”
There’s freedom in knowing you don’t have to have everything figured out at 23. But there’s also a danger in believing that your 20s don’t count. Jay’s central argument is that the choices, relationships, experiences, and habits we develop during our 20s can have a meaningful impact on the adults we become. The book draws on developmental psychology and stories from Jay’s clinical work to explore how work, love, identity, personality, and the brain develop during this period. That doesn’t mean you need to have your entire life planned by 25. It means your 20s are worth paying attention to.
The Pressure to Have It All Figured Out Can Create Anxiety
There’s an interesting paradox about being in your 20s. You’re told that this is the time to explore. But you’re also surrounded by people who appear to be accomplishing everything.
Open Instagram and you might see:
- Engagement announcements
- Wedding photos
- New houses
- Promotions
- Babies
- Travel
- Graduate degrees
- Businesses
- Perfect-looking relationships
Meanwhile, you’re sitting on your couch wondering whether you should quit your job. Social media can make normal uncertainty feel like personal failure. You may start comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel. And eventually, “I’m figuring things out” can start to feel like “I’m falling behind.” This is one reason quarter-life anxiety can be so overwhelming.
Instead of asking:
“What am I supposed to do with my life?”
Try asking:
- What am I learning right now?
- What kind of person am I becoming?
- What skills am I developing?
- What relationships am I investing in?
- What environments bring out the best in me?
- What values do I want my life to reflect?
- What am I avoiding because I’m afraid of making the wrong choice?
- What is one step I can take without knowing the entire plan?
Your Career Doesn’t Have to Be Your Calling
Another important theme in The Defining Decade is work and what Jay calls identity capital. Identity capital refers to the experiences, skills, relationships, and credentials that help you develop a sense of who you are and what you can offer. Your first job doesn’t have to be your dream job. Your degree doesn’t have to determine your entire career. And your career at 24 doesn’t have to look anything like your career at 34. But that doesn’t mean your work experience is meaningless. Every job can teach you something. Maybe you discover what you’re good at. Maybe you realize what you absolutely don’t want.
Your Relationships Matter, Too
One of the parts of The Defining Decade that I find particularly relevant for young adults is its focus on relationships.
Your 20s can be a strange time romantically. Jay encourages readers to think intentionally about romantic relationships rather than simply drifting into major life decisions. That’s an important distinction.
The important question is: Are you making choices because they align with your values, or because you’re afraid of being left behind?
What If I’m Already in My 30s?
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Great. I’m 31. I already messed everything up,” take a breath. That is not the message of The Defining Decade. Your 20s matter. They are not your only opportunity to grow. You don’t suddenly become incapable of changing when you turn 30. The point isn’t to create another timeline that you can use to judge yourself. The point is to become more intentional about your life. If you’re 29, that might mean asking different questions than if you’re 21. If you’re 34, you may be making different decisions. But at any age, you can ask:
Am I living intentionally, or am I simply drifting?
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by questions about your career, relationships, identity, or future, you don’t have to navigate them alone.
At Thorn & Rose Counseling, we work with millennials and Gen Z adults navigating anxiety, life transitions, relationships, identity, and the many questions that come with becoming an adult.
Sometimes therapy isn’t about figuring out your entire life.
Sometimes it’s about getting quiet enough to figure out what your next step is.
Looking for Therapy for Young Adults in Frisco, TX or Flower Mound, TX?
If you’re a young adult in Frisco, Flower Mound, or the surrounding North Texas area and you’re struggling with anxiety, life transitions, relationships, or feeling stuck, learn more about therapy at Thorn & Rose Counseling or reach out to schedule a consultation.
You Got This!
Samantha Earley, MS, LPC
Thorn & Rose Counseling, PLLC
